Unkown

I fear the unknown.

It makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

Surprises scare me.

No matter how pleasant it is, its still catches me off guard.

But I guess,

There are just some things you won't be able to prepare for,

Some people you will meet out of nowhere,

Some circumstances you'll never be able to control.

Then, all you have to do is to

DEAL WITH IT--

Handle things with grace,

Face people with confidence,

Enjoy the most unbearable situation.

With FAITH

I know I can make peace with the unknown. :)

note to self 

Paradigm Shift*

I cried myself to sleep last night. And the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to check whether I'm okay or not...**

Well?

It was a week of adjustment. This is my last (YES!) semester as an undergraduate student. As a future teacher, I am required to undergo a Student Teaching program. I'll be handling a section of Grade 8 students at the UP Integrated School. It was a week of adjusting to going to school as early as 7AM. It was hard but I managed to get in the campus 10 minutes before the required time. It was a week of adjusting to wearing anything but T-shirt, jeans and slippers or the typical UP get-up. Instead, I had to dress-up so as to assert my identity as a teacher.

It was overwhelming, the new set-up. I was torn between being thankful and complaining. This is something I have been waiting for yet I find myself unprepared. Blame it on the lack of confidence. Blame it on pessimism. But it really bothered me to the point that I asked myself, "When will you be ready?!"

I don't know. All I know is that this semester is something I have to face, something I have to handle with grace, OR ELSE...***

Last week, I found comfort in attending a class. It's an intermediate Chinese class. I took the elementary course last semester. Laoshi told me it's okay to "sit-in" and my former classmates were more than thrilled (I guess, hahaha) to see me. It was a week of review and fortunately, I remembered most of the things that Laoshi discussed. It was just like the old times. I asked a lot of questions and  Laoshi tried to answer everything (more often than not, she's really good at explaining things).  I teased and "bullied" my classmates then laughed with them as if there's no tomorrow. I even had the chance to speak in Mandarin again - to talk with two "classmates" in front of everyone else. I got so nervous even though I won't get a grade for it so yeah, go figure, :) Needless to say, I immensely enjoyed the experience.

Adjustment is something we have to deal with. As the adage goes, there's nothing permanent but change. This week of adjustment ended with that "crying myself to sleep" last Friday night. I don't know what has gotten to me. I just felt so down.  I think it was because I was confronted with a Yes/No question. A question I would love to answer with a "Yes" but I had to answer with a "No." Or perhaps, it was more than that. Bad hair day, indeed.

Adjustments always present the dilemma of letting go and holding on. I have always believed that letting go would mean losing something or yes, even someone. I have always held on to everything dear to me. But this week taught me another thing.

Letting go...

Letting go of my happy-go-lucky, careless self this semester won't mean I'd be less me. It would just mean I'll have better opportunities of learning how to be the best teacher I could be. Letting go of my what ifs and buts won't mean I'll never be afraid again. It would just mean I'll be more confident of my future decisions, the way it is supposed to be. Letting go of my Chinese class won't mean not seeing those sweet classmates (and yes, Laoshi) again. It would just mean they'll have some time to miss me. *crosses fingers* Hahaha! I'll surely miss them too. :p

Letting go of the past won't mean I'll forget because I'll surely treasure all the memories, especially the good ones. Letting go will definitely make me more focused on the "here and now." 

I realized that letting go is not such a bad thing. I need to do it in order to move on. Closures are crucial but   I learned that even though some things have to change, they don't necessarily have to end. I learned that there are just certain things I will never lose, no matter what happens. Adjustments taught me to let go. A paradigm shift, yes.

And yes, I prefer "再见" over "goodbye." ****

:)


*In response to On Letting Go...Or Not
**Self-talk really helps me keep things in perspective.
***Self-threats are also given when it's due, :p
*** *再见 is best translated as "See you later." :D