Vulnerability...

If there's one thing I'm really good at,

it is making myself vulnerable...

Vulnerable to pain, to rejection,

To anger and frustration.

Vulnerable

Even to a seemingly endless jeer of "yiiikeee!"

that haunted me from UP to PHILCOA.

Yeah, right.

Some secrets are supposed to be shared,

Even if it makes me

Vulnerable.

:)

On Love and Everything Else...

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive -- to grief, sorrow and disappointment, as well as to joy, fulfillment and intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.

~ Rollo May

And so, too, I speak of love: he who is held by it is held by the strongest bonds, yet the stress is pleasant. Moreover, he can sweetly bear all that happens to him. When one has found this bond, he looks for no other.

~ Meister Eckhart

A sweet truth: When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready. You'll see...God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

Haunting Past

Question: When is the best and worst time to see your ex?

Answer: At his mother's wake.

With having only that social networking site as a source of information, I learned through Facebook that my ex's mom died last January 24 because of complications brought by cancer. Together with my mom who was his teacher and a common friend, I went to the NSOLL mortuary last January 25 to pay last respects.

I never actually met his mom though I know her. Given the brief time of our relationship, I didn't have the chance to be introduced properly. Looking back, it seemed really pathetic of me to daydream about having a dinner with my beloved ex's family.

After a year of not being in touch with X, I argued with myself whether I will go and offer my condolences or not. Blame it on timidity or simply cowardice, but it even took me time to decide whether I go alone or not. In the end, I came to show sympathy in the most peculiar manner.

I neither hug him nor shake his hand as I told myself I would. I told myself that my presence would be enough. I just asked him where Karl, his nephew, the one I have been wanting to see, is. I just listened how he answered my two companions' queries about what happened. I noticed how tired he was and how he tried to be the joker (that he is) in spite of the situation. It was the worst time to express how I miss him, how happy I was that he got the job he wanted or even how I cried because Mommy's gone without knowing me. It was the worst time for selfishness so I shut myself up.

In silence, I observed what I expected to see. Daddy was busy talking to his friends from the church. Kuya JJ, with his wife Ate Reina, was fixing some papers. Kuya JP, the second child was running errands while talking with his schoolmates. Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a part of the family. I even proudly answered my companions' questions about who is who and whom is related to who in the family. For a moment, I thought that it was the best time to show-off.

The more I thought about what happened that night, the more I regretted not doing something and not saying anything. I realized how much I was afraid of death...how much I am afraid of a haunting past.

Of Fear and Faith

“Tempus fugit…”

It’s already the third Sunday of January and as much as I look forward to all the new things that might happen this 2011, I can’t help but to feel afraid. I am afraid that some things won’t be as good as before. I am afraid that long - ago mistakes will finally have its full-blown effects in the coming months. I am afraid that the personal goals I hope to achieve will still be as unattainable as ever. The past is definitely haunting me, I am afraid.

2010 had its ups and downs – Someone made sure I had my fair share of it. I have woken up each day into the warmth of having my loving family. I finally landed on the course that I have always wanted. I have grown older, yes, even wiser. I also had lost a few of my friends – some to distance, others to fate. I had sleepless nights and dreaded mornings because of my studies. Then, I had a not-so-happy birthday.

“Don’t let fear run your life.”

Last night, I just found myself watching the remaining episodes of Hannah Montana Forever. More than being happy and sad at the same time because of my favorite show, I was also inspired by Robby Ray’s piece of advice. To walk his talk, he got back onstage after ages of not being able to do so. Miley, who became so unsure of her career after letting the “dang secret” out, did not let her father down and also did what she have always loved to do – sing and entertain her fans. Following suit, I told myself with as much conviction as I can muster: “I won’t let fear ruin my year.”

“The only reality is now.”

An article from The Philippine Star reminded me this. I am so afraid of the past and very worried about the future that I am losing track of the important things that are happening now. Needless to say, I have no control over what had happened and what might happen but I have the capability to enjoy what is presently taking place. It is just a matter of being responsible for the decisions I made. It is just a matter of seizing every good opportunity that comes my way. It is just a matter of saying: “I am going to take one day at a time.”

“Always keep a little prayer in your pocket.”

As fear begins to bind me into its wicked spell, His warm embrace woke me up. With God by my side, being afraid and worried seemed to be the most foolish thing to do. Everything that happened was according to His will and all that will transpire is subject to His approval. I should always bear in mind that His plans are far better than mine. My cowardice is nothing compared to His greatness, what’s there to be afraid of? All I need is His sweet whisper, “Keep the faith little one, just keep the faith.”

More than being afraid, I should strive to live a life that will please Him not just this year but for every breathing moment I have.

“I look to the Lord for help at all times and He rescues me from danger. Turn to me Lord and be merciful to me because I am lonely and weak. Relieve me of my worries and save me from all my troubles. Consider my distress and suffering and forgive all my sins.” Psalm 25:15 – 18