On Love and Everything Else...

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive -- to grief, sorrow and disappointment, as well as to joy, fulfillment and intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.

~ Rollo May

And so, too, I speak of love: he who is held by it is held by the strongest bonds, yet the stress is pleasant. Moreover, he can sweetly bear all that happens to him. When one has found this bond, he looks for no other.

~ Meister Eckhart

A sweet truth: When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready. You'll see...God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

Haunting Past

Question: When is the best and worst time to see your ex?

Answer: At his mother's wake.

With having only that social networking site as a source of information, I learned through Facebook that my ex's mom died last January 24 because of complications brought by cancer. Together with my mom who was his teacher and a common friend, I went to the NSOLL mortuary last January 25 to pay last respects.

I never actually met his mom though I know her. Given the brief time of our relationship, I didn't have the chance to be introduced properly. Looking back, it seemed really pathetic of me to daydream about having a dinner with my beloved ex's family.

After a year of not being in touch with X, I argued with myself whether I will go and offer my condolences or not. Blame it on timidity or simply cowardice, but it even took me time to decide whether I go alone or not. In the end, I came to show sympathy in the most peculiar manner.

I neither hug him nor shake his hand as I told myself I would. I told myself that my presence would be enough. I just asked him where Karl, his nephew, the one I have been wanting to see, is. I just listened how he answered my two companions' queries about what happened. I noticed how tired he was and how he tried to be the joker (that he is) in spite of the situation. It was the worst time to express how I miss him, how happy I was that he got the job he wanted or even how I cried because Mommy's gone without knowing me. It was the worst time for selfishness so I shut myself up.

In silence, I observed what I expected to see. Daddy was busy talking to his friends from the church. Kuya JJ, with his wife Ate Reina, was fixing some papers. Kuya JP, the second child was running errands while talking with his schoolmates. Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a part of the family. I even proudly answered my companions' questions about who is who and whom is related to who in the family. For a moment, I thought that it was the best time to show-off.

The more I thought about what happened that night, the more I regretted not doing something and not saying anything. I realized how much I was afraid of death...how much I am afraid of a haunting past.

Of Fear and Faith

“Tempus fugit…”

It’s already the third Sunday of January and as much as I look forward to all the new things that might happen this 2011, I can’t help but to feel afraid. I am afraid that some things won’t be as good as before. I am afraid that long - ago mistakes will finally have its full-blown effects in the coming months. I am afraid that the personal goals I hope to achieve will still be as unattainable as ever. The past is definitely haunting me, I am afraid.

2010 had its ups and downs – Someone made sure I had my fair share of it. I have woken up each day into the warmth of having my loving family. I finally landed on the course that I have always wanted. I have grown older, yes, even wiser. I also had lost a few of my friends – some to distance, others to fate. I had sleepless nights and dreaded mornings because of my studies. Then, I had a not-so-happy birthday.

“Don’t let fear run your life.”

Last night, I just found myself watching the remaining episodes of Hannah Montana Forever. More than being happy and sad at the same time because of my favorite show, I was also inspired by Robby Ray’s piece of advice. To walk his talk, he got back onstage after ages of not being able to do so. Miley, who became so unsure of her career after letting the “dang secret” out, did not let her father down and also did what she have always loved to do – sing and entertain her fans. Following suit, I told myself with as much conviction as I can muster: “I won’t let fear ruin my year.”

“The only reality is now.”

An article from The Philippine Star reminded me this. I am so afraid of the past and very worried about the future that I am losing track of the important things that are happening now. Needless to say, I have no control over what had happened and what might happen but I have the capability to enjoy what is presently taking place. It is just a matter of being responsible for the decisions I made. It is just a matter of seizing every good opportunity that comes my way. It is just a matter of saying: “I am going to take one day at a time.”

“Always keep a little prayer in your pocket.”

As fear begins to bind me into its wicked spell, His warm embrace woke me up. With God by my side, being afraid and worried seemed to be the most foolish thing to do. Everything that happened was according to His will and all that will transpire is subject to His approval. I should always bear in mind that His plans are far better than mine. My cowardice is nothing compared to His greatness, what’s there to be afraid of? All I need is His sweet whisper, “Keep the faith little one, just keep the faith.”

More than being afraid, I should strive to live a life that will please Him not just this year but for every breathing moment I have.

“I look to the Lord for help at all times and He rescues me from danger. Turn to me Lord and be merciful to me because I am lonely and weak. Relieve me of my worries and save me from all my troubles. Consider my distress and suffering and forgive all my sins.” Psalm 25:15 – 18

J.E.D.V

Disclaimer: This blog post is not for the sole purpose of boosting your ego nor it is a way of flaunting my amusing writing skills. Consider it as a gift. I only write about special people you know? I hope you like it. :)

He was the first guy who had the guts to ask me out...not for a date but for a Philippine History Quiz Bee. We won 7th place in that competition but from then on, he had been on the top spot of the list My Best Boy Buds in School.

We're batch mates. We were both transferees from other UP units. We both love Geography and the people we meet because of the discipline. It was the basic similarities that drew us together. We both love reading and writing and talking a lot. We especially love Harry Potter and Ginny, Ron and Hermione.

I almost had a crush on him before. Okay, I admit, I really had a crush on him. Who would not? He is a nice, good-looking, sensible guy. Always the gentleman, always the outspoken one - that's him. There was even a time when I can't look at him straight in the eyes. Fortunately, I got over him, fast. Our friendship became too important to risk (because tell me, how can you be friends with someone you can't even bear to look at because of shyness?)Don't get me wrong though, we have been friends long enough for me to realize that he is admirable in a lot of ways. ^_~

It will be a good news for his admirers to know that he's still single. I called him Mr. Hopeless Romantic once. He disagreed. I still prefer calling him that than telling him he's torpe. Imagine not having a single girlfriend in his 19 years of existence? (Now it's already 20.) He has his own excuses that we, his girl-friends care to understand. Truth be told, I, the exceptionally possessive girl-friend, really get what he means...until we made a deal: his Hermione in exchange of my Harry. *evil laughter*

Dude,

Happy, happy, happy birthday! I wish you all the happiness and blessings in this world because you deserve it. May God bless you and your family always.

Love,

Shai

PS

You're gowing up too fast. Work on our deal, okaaay?

I'm finally letting go. *sobs* hahahaha. ♥

Of theses, practicums and case studies...

This morning, I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy as I saw a friend having her graduation picture (yearbook picture, as a matter of fact) as her Facebook profile’s primary photo. She’ll be graduating on time like most of my batch mates and sooo unlike me. tsk.tsk.tsk.

I tried hard to calm myself down. I kept reminding myself that I was ready for such things, supposedly at least. Instead, unwanted questions kept flooding my mind. Where did I go wrong? Was it the moment I chose to enter UP? Was it when I didn’t pursue Biology? Was it when I transferred to Diliman? Was it when I still tried for Education? Of course, these are questions with sensible answers that I refused to accept because I was so irrationally hurt. Only after I tore myself away from the computer did I truly calm down.

You see, I was “briefed” that college will take 4 years, just 4 years (in general) then viola! One will be prepared to search for employment. My college life had its own twists and turns. So far, I have been to 2 campuses and 3 courses and *gasp* it’s my fourth year. No one could blame me; I have every right to panic, get hurt and be jealous of my batch mates who’ll be graduating by the end of this school year. Graduating on time is a big deal.

*sigh*

I never thought I would be in this state. It’s not that miserable, I know, but it’s a little bit pitiful. It’s a pity I wasted a lot of time. It’s a pity I didn’t take some things seriously. It’s a pity I ended up like this. :|

*long sigh*

What I felt this morning made me strengthen my belief that there are good reasons working behind the scenes. Thank God I’m with a very supportive family – I guess what’s really important is that they’re still there for me, mistakes and all. Thank God I have met special people along those twists and turns – some of them are just around the corner giving me a push whenever I need one. Thank God I am still enjoying what most people can’t – studying and having a good education. Thank God I’m in this state – if not, I won’t realize how truly blessed I am, in ways I couldn’t imagine. :)


Para sa mga batch mates and friends kong graduating na:
Huwag sukuan ang mga theses, practicums, case studies at kung anupaman yan.
You’ve gone this far, congratulations!
I’m so proud of you.♥

Note to Self:
Sometimes, looking back on what you had motivates you to keep moving forward...there's a reason why you left. Keep going. :)


Keeping.The.Faith.♥

Cowardice...*

Is when you let chances slip away.

Is when you choose to live with regrets.

Is when you push people away from you.

Is when you refuse to admit what you really feel.

Is YOU and I, personified.



*All because we are so damned afraid of getting hurt.


I.Know.I'm.Worth.It.♥

Someday, my prince will come...♥

Hence is what I find myself saying whenever I ponder about my being single. Darn. It's been a while...
I'm getting pretty impatient. *seriously kidding* ^^
Then, I came across this article from:
http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/relationships/relationships/view/20100808-285501/My-daughters-letter-to-the-man-she-will-love-someday

RELATIONSHIPS ARE always a difficult terrain to navigate.

As a woman, you spend hours pondering—alone or with your girl friends—the intricacies of the human heart. You always hope and pray that the next generation will get it better than you did.

Below is a letter I found in my daughter's website (I have her permission to share this). She wrote it to "the man I will someday love."

I was expecting to read a gushing, romantic, idealistic tome. I was humbled instead by her sentiments. It's filled with sensible expectations.

I pray that this will make every girl believe that hope does spring eternal, and even if your heart has been broken a few times, you can always put the pieces back together, and make it right the next time around.
Take your time. Don't rush and don't just "settle." If it's part of His plan, God's best awaits you out there.


Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist. There is a part of every little girl's heart that envisions her prince charming.
At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love's kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who's willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it's that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could've read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like "All My Life" or "A Whole New World" in my head when I see him does not mean I don't hope that it'll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I'm pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can't promise you that I'd make the world's most perfect princess. In fact I'll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I'll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I'll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that'll only be because I absolutely adore you. I'll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn't exist. I'll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I'll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I'll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I'll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I'll listen to your music and we'll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.
I won't be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won't need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I'm lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You'll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You'll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler's annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can't wait to love. Please know that I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you're out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,
Me

♥♥♥

Prince or not a prince, knowing that there's someone who will help me make sense of the world someday makes all this waiting worthwhile. c: